England – a smaller land of dopes without glory

Where does England begin and end? Does it start in Capetown and end in Dublin?  Is Scotland England?  I didn’t do geography at school but can someone tell me how can all these moaning, mincing  “You know what I mean?” types who flock here from the dull and blighted poly-country allegedly called England claim Andy Murray and the Lions as their own.

England is according to textbook definition a part of Great Britain that is in turn part of the United Kingdom.  Let’s get it straight you bunch of desperate toe rags– you Englishmen – it’s not the 19th Century. The sun has set on your Empire and it’s not very bright!

Fact One:  The Webb-Ellis Trophy was won by Wales boyo – not England.  You had fuck-all English players in the team.  And after having to endure 30,00 middle-class unimaginative wally wankers from FOUR countries, combined only by convenience, wail “Lions, Lions, Lions” for over ninety minutes you don’t seem very bright.  You seem to cling to the notion that you are a witty crew.  Good with banter are we?  Well I’ll be rogered by the Housemaster.  You have a premier league football team in London where grown men gather and sing, “I’m forever blowin’ bubbles”.   No wonder you emigrate here bringing your dubious IT and telemarketing skills together with your tinea you mob of unwashed bodeens.

Fact Two:  Wimbledon was won by a Scotsman.  Devoting the first nine pages of The Times to Murray’s win just shows how dull and devoid of imagination you are and how desperate you are to claim anyone as English.  Have you tossers heard of Hadrian’s Wall?  The Scottish Parliament?  I know why you think he is an Englishman.  Andy is a very very dull lad that had all imagination drained from his body at an early age. But deep down it must rankle you to see Andy ‘Hootmon’ Murray win because you Englishmen hate the Scots.  But I’ll tell you something for nothing old sausage – not as much as they hate you.

 Fact Three:  The only real thing you (England) have won lately is the Ashes First Test.  And you won that because you cheated.  Stuart Broad failed to walk despite having clearly hit a catch to slips.   He is just a horrible little spotty spoilt herbert.  He is now defended by that stupidly tattooed South African lump who once had a hairstyle reminiscent of a skunk, Kevin Pietersen who says he has every right not to walk.   And speaking of South Africans – how many ex-Boers do you have in your rotten cheating team?

To paraphrase the Australian Bodyline era cricketer William Woodfull, “There were two teams out there; one was trying to play cricket and the other was not.” So it seems the only thing you Englishmen have actually earned lately, you bunch of simpering Simons, is our continued and deserved contempt you horrible little people.

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2 thoughts on “England – a smaller land of dopes without glory

    • Thank you James – however I must counsel you on your loose language. How could there be “many good” Englishpersons? You are too charitable. My understanding is that the last useful Englishman died in 1616 – namely Bill Shakespeare and as my mail suggests he was Scottish anyway – such economy with words could only come from a canny Scott

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