A few months ago ‘Fancy Pants’ Clancy sent me a short piece from Peter Cronin in the Monthly. Peter cleverly placed some of the 2013 AFL players into certain ‘name’ categories. ‘Pants’ suggested that someone should have a go at using the names of the likely lads of Rugby League. So to make at least one aged surfer happy I have had a swing at it using a few of Peter’s delightful headings but have added a lot more ‘clown’ ones. You’ll note the Adult Entertainment category is quite large and growing and I do believe that the ARL Commission will have to address that in the coming season.
Some of you may believe that some of the names have been made up, however I assure you that a fertile river of imagination is running through league land. We can all sleep well at night in the knowledge, that parents in maternity wards from Rooty Hill to Roma are daring to delve deeper into their alphabet soup.
Rugby League names in 2013/14 Rosters (from First Grade and Under 20s)
Names suitable for jockeys and petty criminals
Charlie Grubb (winner), Jack Bird, Greg Bird, Jake Mullaney, Josh Dugan, Billy Rodgers, Shannon Crook and Sam Short
Names suitable for adult entertainment stars
Peni Terepo (equal winner), Daniel Penese, Kyle Felte, James Luff, Sam Hoare, Eric Newbigging, Sam Tagataese, Steve Liki, Jake Dooner, Mitch Garbutt and Will Pearsall (equal winner)
Names suitable for Grand Final Half-Time Entertainers
James Taylor, Sam Cook (winner), Scott Bolton, Rainer Power and Slade Griffin
Names suitable for a Boutique Men’s Wear Shop
Brayden Williame, Jason Nightingale, Dean Whare (winner), Beau Falloon, Gerard Beale and Trent Merrin
Names suitable for a long distance trucker
Semi Radradra, Brody Rigg (winner), Brock Cope and Tohu Harris
Names suitable for Investment bank or money launderer
Branxton Stanley (winner), Hayden Crowley, Alex Clark-Kennedy, Mitchell Barclay and Jack de Bellin
Names suitable for those who believe they are blessed
Samsen O’Neill, Jacob Host (winner), Isaac John, Tim Mannah, Mitchell Allgood, Mitchell Moses and Herschel Gideon
Names suitable for Rodeo Rider/Rancher/Bush Ranger
Names suitable for a cage fighter
Jacob Loco, Jake Mullaney, Darcy Lussick, Jai Arrow, Dean Britt, Blain Rozs (winner), Waqa Blake, Sisa Waqu and Will Chambers
Names suitable for butcher or meat stylist
Charly Runciman (winner), Matthew Groat, Nigel Plum and Sauaso Sue (special mention)
Names suitable for DJ or Rapper
PJ Lose, Yaw Kitty Glimin (winner), Fred Junior Mauala, Cheyse Blair, Tyson Frizell and Dee Jay Harris
Names suitable for progeny of parents who didn’t really make much of an effort
Ben Smith, Chris Smith, Ben Roberts and Esera Esera (winner)
Names suitable for each-way punters
Ava Seumanufagai, Delouise Hoeter (winner), Peta Hiku and Kelly Tate
Ten first names that don’t appear on any team’s roster
Cyril, Cecil, Raymond, Reginald, Ronald, Gavin, Larry, Bruce, Barry or Brian
Ten surnames that don’t appear on any team’s roster
Duck, Spratt, Bear, Beer, Clay, Langlands, Raper, Summons, Provan or Beetson
Names suitable for supporting cast of Games of Thrones
Tariq Sims, Abraham Attalah, Thoren Fidow-Kele (winner) and Tom Humble
Names suitable as drunken instructions
Wellentony Tafua Satini Translation: Well then Tony Tah for Saturday
Daly Cherry-Evans Translation: Daily Cherry, Evans?
Akeripa Tia-Kilifi (winner) Translation : Arh tah ripper Tia Maria Cliffy
Kirisome Junior Kirisome Translation: Carry some Junior, Carry Some!
Brad Soe As in : Brad so what’s up Bro?
Leva Li As in : Leave her Lee, she’s not worth it!