A few months ago ‘Fancy Pants’ Clancy sent me a short piece from Peter Cronin in the Monthly.  Peter cleverly placed some of the 2013 AFL players into certain ‘name’ categories.  ‘Pants’ suggested that someone should have a go at using the names of the likely lads of Rugby League.  So to make at least one aged surfer happy I have had a swing at it using a few of Peter’s delightful headings but have added a lot more ‘clown’ ones.  You’ll note the Adult Entertainment category is quite large and growing and I do believe that the ARL Commission will have to address that in the coming season.

Some of you may believe that some of the names have been made up, however I assure you that a fertile river of imagination is running through league land.  We can all sleep well at night in the knowledge, that parents in maternity wards from Rooty Hill to Roma are daring to delve deeper into their alphabet soup.

Rugby League names in 2013/14 Rosters (from First Grade and Under 20s)

Names suitable for jockeys and petty criminals

Charlie Grubb (winner), Jack Bird, Greg Bird, Jake Mullaney, Josh Dugan, Billy Rodgers, Shannon Crook and Sam Short

Names suitable for adult entertainment stars

Peni Terepo (equal winner), Daniel Penese, Kyle Felte, James Luff, Sam Hoare, Eric Newbigging, Sam Tagataese, Steve Liki, Jake Dooner, Mitch Garbutt and Will Pearsall (equal winner)

Names suitable for Grand Final Half-Time Entertainers

James Taylor, Sam Cook (winner), Scott Bolton, Rainer Power and Slade Griffin

Names suitable for a Boutique Men’s Wear Shop

Brayden Williame, Jason Nightingale, Dean Whare (winner), Beau Falloon, Gerard Beale and Trent Merrin

Names suitable for a long distance trucker

Semi Radradra, Brody Rigg  (winner), Brock Cope and Tohu Harris

Names suitable for Investment bank or money launderer

Branxton Stanley (winner), Hayden Crowley, Alex Clark-Kennedy, Mitchell Barclay and Jack de Bellin

Names suitable for those who believe they are blessed

Samsen O’Neill, Jacob Host (winner), Isaac John, Tim Mannah, Mitchell Allgood, Mitchell Moses and Herschel Gideon

Names suitable for Rodeo Rider/Rancher/Bush Ranger

Mitch Rein , Jack Stockwell  (winner), Bronson Harrison, Kane Morgan, Ben Ridge, Sam Scarlett, Dayne Weston

Names suitable for a cage fighter

Jacob Loco, Jake Mullaney, Darcy Lussick, Jai Arrow, Dean Britt, Blain Rozs  (winner), Waqa Blake, Sisa Waqu and Will Chambers

Names suitable for butcher or meat stylist

Charly Runciman (winner), Matthew Groat, Nigel Plum and Sauaso Sue (special mention)

Names suitable for DJ or Rapper 

PJ Lose, Yaw Kitty Glimin (winner), Fred Junior Mauala, Cheyse Blair, Tyson Frizell and Dee Jay Harris

Names suitable for progeny of parents who didn’t really make much of an effort

Ben Smith, Chris Smith, Ben Roberts and Esera Esera  (winner)

Names suitable for each-way punters

Ava Seumanufagai, Delouise Hoeter  (winner), Peta Hiku and Kelly Tate

Ten first names that don’t appear on any team’s roster

Cyril, Cecil, Raymond, Reginald, Ronald, Gavin, Larry, Bruce, Barry or Brian

Ten surnames that don’t appear on any team’s roster

Duck, Spratt, Bear, Beer, Clay, Langlands, Raper, Summons, Provan or Beetson

Names suitable for supporting cast of Games of Thrones

Tariq Sims, Abraham Attalah, Thoren Fidow-Kele (winner) and Tom Humble

Names suitable as drunken instructions

Wellentony Tafua Satini     Translation: Well then Tony Tah for Saturday

Daly Cherry-Evans            Translation: Daily Cherry,  Evans?

Akeripa Tia-Kilifi (winner)   Translation : Arh tah ripper Tia Maria Cliffy

Kirisome Junior Kirisome  Translation: Carry some Junior, Carry Some!

Brad Soe                          As in :  Brad so what’s up Bro?

Leva Li                              As in : Leave her Lee, she’s not worth it!