I believe that my innovative ideas for sport and society in general have been treated unfairly in the past. For example, the idea of combating childhood obesity by having weighing scales and narrower gates at the entry of all our schools was summarily dismissed by the health nazis and civil liberty losers. So what happens? I get hung out to dry and the kiddies just keep adding the avois du pois as they stumble from one fast food joint to the XXL section of Lowes.
And so I’ll reheat another of my sporting strategies. It is a gem. The objective is to eradicate dickheads from the game of league. Obviously this has been prompted by the carnival acts of one, Todd Clown Carney. This strategy is quite simple as it is for rugby league administrators. It is a test for all aspiring first graders. It involves a range of real life scenarios. Consider just a couple.
Scenario 1: You’ve had a great win and you’re celebrating with your team mates – Dicko, Mazza and Bumsy at a night club. You go to the men’s toilet. While relieving yourself, Mazza asks you to pretend to urinate into your mouth while he takes a picture. You take the following action.
a. You urinate on Mazza
b. You spin around like a sprinkler spraying other patrons because you like to involve everyone in the fun
c. You comply with Mazza’s request and begin ‘bubbling’
d. You realise you should not be in a night club and you leave immediately after telling Mazza he is a ‘homo’.
Scenario 2: You are in licensed premises and drunk. You see an eftpos machine and your first instinct is to:
a. Urinate into the tray because the toilets are more than 50 metres away
b. Try and phone your girlfriend on the eftpos machine
c. Get out a $1000 from the machine and go to the casino
The test would go like this. Once each player has answered the questions their results are tabulated and then adjusted via an IQ factor – that is the Ink Quantity – quite simply we measure the total surface area of the player and then measure the area of the player that is covered by tattoos. The greater the percentage of area covered the less the player scores.
I know it’s not the total solution but I think we would weed out a lot of the undesirables in the game. Sure we could lose a lot of players so we would need to ensure we have plenty of under 16s available to play first grade. But wouldn’t it be worth it? No knuckleheads clogging up the pages of the Daily Dread with their unimaginative circus acts.
I note that Clown Carney’s agent, David Riolo, an ex-player has hit out at the Sharks for terminating Clown’s act before he had a chance to showcase his talents in front of the Board. May I suggest, ever so humbly at this time, Mr Riolo should be canvasing new opportunities for Mr Clown more commensurate with his obvious talents. I would say any fountain manufacturer worth their salt would sign up young Toddy to appear at trade shows and the like. Festooned with fairy lights as he went through his various bits of doodle work such as the ‘Petrol Pump’, the ‘Cascade’ and the ‘William Tell’ would allow the world to see the real Toddy Carney.
However as one clown exits the wonderfully entertaining clown, Liam Bozo Fulton, has been forced to leave the game through injury. What a contrast in clowns!
Fulton, a real no-nonsense forward with West Tigers has played above his weight (96 kgs) season after season, carrying multiple injuries, he never gave up playing the game he clearly cherished. The notion of Bozo playing above the bar started with the Greystanes Devils U/7s – he was only four at the time.
Fulton has a wry sense of humour and in the early days he would assume a range of characters and ring up the local sports talk-back jocks who fell for his colourful anecdotes. No one was spared, when the NZ import, Wade McKinnon turned up at the club he received a call from a man claiming to be the club’s marketing manager, asking him to ensure he wore a suit and tie on game day and to pen a speech on the club and deliver it to Tigers sponsors after the match. He did both before he found it was Bozo at work.
Quite simply, Carney and his inked cohorts have no place in sport. Whereas players like Liam Fulton are the sport. Their legacy of imagination and courage stays with us long after the other tattooed tumbleweeds have blown out of town.
Best of luck Bozo.
Your absolute best – what a pearler.
Yep, agree,,a great read.
Rob, the Carney debacle reminds me of a Gough Whitlam story from the seventies. An aged Indian PM or Premier visited Australia when Gough was PM. At their meeting Gough commented upon how youthful the visiter appeared. The Indian dignitary volunteered than the secret to his youthful appearance was his habit of drinking a cup of his own urine for breakfast each morning. To which Gough replied ” I have heard of getting on the piss early but this is ridiculous.” Regards, Graham.
Hadley and Jones, Brandis and Pyne and indeed the red bandana himself, Fitzsimmons, would be proud of having penned a piece like this. You’ve joined their ranks Crumbums! “He never gave up playing the game he clearly cherished….. Quite simply, Carney and his inked cohorts have no place in sport. Whereas players like Liam Fulton are the sport.” That is vomit-inducing. I was eagerly awaiting you going down the Alan Clarkson line and slip in “…he was an ornament to the game” Have a day off Crumbums and spare us this exclusive, reactionary Tory shite.
Glad I made you vomit Phil. My work is almost complete. And to be included in the same company as the misunderstood ornament, Ray Hadley is indeed a fine wrap.