The selection of Swotter Warner once again for the Fourth Test, despite his appalling recent form is proof of the folly of picking average cricketers as selectors. These dull simpletons don’t seem to understand or recognise talent because they themselves didn’t have a great deal of it.

As said before by others it is far harder to be dropped from the Australian Men’s Test Team than to get into it. This means that very few present or past selectors have liked change and are generally conservative in their selections and life choices. Put simply Australian selectors (The Fat Dwarf Throwers) would consider the perfect good time as being at home with a copy of the NRMA’s latest Open Road, a pair of well-worn slippers, a mug of Milo with a couple of ginger-nuts on the wild side. They tend to favour hobbies such as building Match Stick Towers, collecting stamps and a fascination with breeding ferrets. I have never seen a selector at a Rave. If they have been sighted at one then they are the arresting officer.

The other characteristic of selectors is that in recent years they have mostly been average cricketers. Look at the current mob. The Three Loons; George “Bill” Bailey, Andrew “Ronny” McDonald and Tony “Dolmades” Dodemaide…all of them have had incredibly undistinguished careers as cricketers and continue in the same fashion as selectors.

The other problem with this mob is a few of them are far too nice – well Bill and Ronny maybe. I’m not sure about Dolmades. He has funny eyes. He has the look of a bloke who would set you on fire if you used his stapler. He was also a cricket administrator which means he likes pie charts, paper and the smell of a Gestetner machine in the morning.

When Dolmades was installed as a selector in late 2021, an article written by Malcolm Conn had as its headline – Forward-thinking Dodemaide a natural selection for Australia. Bullshit Conny what were you on when you wrote that piece of detritus, you poor delusional scribe?

Conn went on to more pointedly say; “Dodemaide is one of the most respected men in Australian cricket, but, as some have pointed out, he played the last of his 10 Tests for Australia in 1992. He went on to carve a career in administration, first with the Marylebone Cricket Club in London and later as CEO of Western Australia then Victoria.”

So Dolmades last tried to bowl and bat, in an average manner 30 years ago…since that time he has only pushed a biro across countless pieces of paper doing work for anyone stupid enough to employ this dull pen-pusher. He even worked for those bacon and egg pommy bastards at the MCC. He really has little idea about what the characteristics of an opener in a Test match in England should be. However give the Dolmades a spreadsheet and he grins like a fat kiddie in a locked room with a dozen cream horns.

I’d have a different approach to the selection of the Test team. Not only do they have to be skilled in the arts of applying the willow to the ball, they have to be brave and smart. I’d also apply this to the selection of our Fat Dwarf Throwers (the selectors).

With contested positions such as the other opener (apart from Khawaja) I’d have the following selection processes involving the three main candidates for the other opening position – Swotter (Warner), Uncertain (Renshaw) and Hurry (Harris). Forget all the other fanciful suggestions of pushing other losers up the list. We are not from the Country of Dull Bastards. We desire form and order not chaos.

So for example this is the Bravery Test;

Swotter stands in the crease in the nets, no box, no pads and in the nude…naked except for the baggy green (no helmet) and his cricket bat. Uncertain and Hurry have a box of 48 cricket balls each…a total of 16 overs. You see this is more balls than Swotter would have faced in his last three innings…They then pelt all 96 balls at the stumps or at Swotter….this will test his ticker….and then each of them face the same test…obviously to some this may sound a little ‘extreme…’perhaps not in the spirit of the game’ – yes granted some may have to go to hospital…but this is wheat and chaff time people. The winner of this test is deemed to be the person who has his wicket hit the least times and is not in need of surgery. Simple. But would the Three Loons have the imagination and courage to do this? Of course not. Dolmades would firstly soil himself, grab a slide rule and cite OH&S.

As for who to fill the all-rounder position. That’s so simple. Put Boggy (Marsh) and Gang (Green) in the ring. Once again nude and greased like pigs and let them rip and tear til only one is still standing.

But no….the Three Loons went with both Boggy and Gang. Unable to channel the wisdom of Solomon they couldn’t split the two. So they drop the Irishman (Murphy) leaving us without a proper spinner on wicket that has in the past spun more than any other English test wicket. And of course, like sands through the hour glass they went with Warner again, who may or may not get a score….he’s long due*. But they didn’t have the capacity to even imagine that anyone else could flog a few boundaries then get out – as well as Swotter.

When these Fat Dwarf Throwers (selectors) have their next meeting, no doubt in a chamomile haze, possibly congratulating themselves for their contribution to an Australian Ashes victory I wonder if they’ll spare a thought for all those players they have repeatedly disappointed and let down with their turgid and unimaginative approach to the selection process.

*As I write Swotter is currently on 28 and swinging like a rusty gate