A lot of people have bagged the English cricket teams (aka The Dullards abbr: The Dulls) – not me my friends you know I have stood on the sideline and merely observed the folly of this series. This English is a team riddled with invention. Who would believe that a whole cricket team would suddenly go the ‘tonk’, and just fearlessly belt the ball. Sure they are fundamentally the same team that has again lost the Ashes but they have added greater depth to their performances with the addition of the Giggler (Brooks), and the Dwarf (Duckett).

More importantly they have channeled a very creative streak. They are the team that has defined what the “spirit of the game” is really about. Who would have thought that a team led by a tattooed bully boy could define the spirit of the game? Until this test series we all thought that the spirit of the game was playing according to the rules. But no…it’s actually about having your supporters full of ‘spirit’ and lager and hurling abuse (some of it racist) at the opposition. Novel eh?

But the Dulls are to be heartily congratulated. Sure they stupidly lost a very winnable Ashes series but did they sit in the sheds and moan about the rain, or wonder why don’t we play a test for twenty days, or couldn’t we have a giant umbrella? No. Not this spirited misshapen group.

Instead some of the players used the rain delay to sharpen up their acting skills. Until now all we knew was that Bean (Stuart Broad) had appeared alongside Dame Judy Dench in “Much Ado about Nothing” at the Old Vic to rapturous reviews, and I quote; “Broad takes his acting cues from heaven, his raised eyebrows, his oily smirk, his heavily nuanced distain of everything gives Beatrice a real sense of menace. And his use of a cricket bat as a staff is an inspired choice.”

But in a further display of the incredible acting depth within the Dulls we find that at Manchester’s Odium on Day Five, the Bear (sometimes known as Bairstow), appeared in a hastily arranged version of Shakespeare’s King Lear, playing the Fool. Bear wearing a very small bejewelled codpiece and a Peter Alexander pyjama top laments how unfair the weather has been to him;

“He that has and a little tiny wit—

With heigh-ho, the wind and the rain—

Must make content with his fortunes fit,

For the rain it raineth everyday”

The Bear continues the rich tradition of the Dull cricketers performing Shakespeare instead of winning cricket matches. His previous performance as Bottom in a Midsummer Night’s Dream at Lords was also something to behold. Playing the much loved Bottoms, nude, the hairy Bear proudly displaying his massive ginger Marrickville Mat, went off script and made an ass of himself by straying out of the crease and causing a Dull collapse.

What is absolutely galling to the Dulls is that for every day of this Fourth Test they were the far better team. This was obviously helped by an Australian team that batted and bowled as if they were heavily medicated. However Choker Stokes batted for far too long. He didn’t need that many runs he needed more fine time. Just as he had ended the Dull first innings prematurely in the First Test, Choker has failed to concede it was wrong. However Choker was gracious in his post match press conference as he urged every Dull supporter to get behind the Arts in the Dull Country.

“I know a lot of you think we spend far too much time in the theatre and not enough time in the nets, but that’s bullshit. I’ve hit more balls and blokes than you cunts have had hot dinners. But enough of that I want to leave you with a memorable quote that sums up the series from the Bill Shakespeare play about the Gypo bird and the Italian;

“I love long life better than figs” *

When Choker was pressed about what this quote was actually about he said, “You journalists are so stupid…don’t you know what are a fucking fig is?” and stormed out.

It was left the diminutive and highly successful Duckett to try and explain, but he just shrugged his shoulders but added;

“Look if anyone’s interested I will be appearing at the Oval in the Members restaurant in the Micky Stewart Pavilion during each lunch break. I’ve decided to give the Bard the flick and do something a bit more modern. I’ll be doing the Harold Pinter play, “The Dwarfs” and I’ll be playing all four parts.”

When pressed by a Guardian journalist about whether his thespian pursuits could cause him to become distracted and not concentrate on cricket, he defended his actions by saying;

“Look fair call, yes point conceded I have never played a lesbian mate but at least Choker and I know what a fucking fig is!”

* ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA, ACT 1 SCENE 2,

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