I’m standing here in the middle of the night with a kerosene lamp showing a shadowy light on the outskirts of Chandigarh. I’m trying to hit a golf ball up against a tank with a stump waiting for the call that I know will never come. It’s a call from Poodle Clarke assuring me that nothing is wrong in camp. It’s a call that says we acted fairly. We had our backs against the wall. These guys are really bad characters who knock on doors at night and run away to snort Stilnox. We are better off without these guys. Trust me.

But I can’t. There are things swirling around my head. These are questions that remain unanswered. So Dear Poodle if you have time between marking essays with Disney Arthur can you just answer these few simple questions.

1. Was there a team bus trip recently in Mohali that you weren’t on?

2. While the rest of the team were on that trip were you off sightseeing at the Taj Mahal you lucky bugger? I ask this because I thought it was almost traditional for touring teams to have a team photo taken at the Taj.

3. Have there been other players on this trip who have not done the required work but have escaped punishment?

4. Was there a clear, unequivocal deadline that all players were aware of for the handing in of their “plans”?

5. Do you think that Mickey Arthur is worth $400K a year?

6. If in fact there has been issues from the beginning of this tour why weren’t they dealt with at an earlier time?

7. Do you believe that Usman Khawaja fits in with the defined team “culture”?

8. Has any current squad player been told that they do not fit into the team “culture”?

9. How would you define the Australian Cricket Team “culture”?

10. Do you as captain believe that captains should never show favouritism to players?

11. Do you think loyalty should be rewarded?

12. Have there been any reportable incidents with players within the Australian squad recently that have not been dealt with properly – that is swept under the covers?

13. Do you think you have made any errors of judgement in terms of your captaincy over the last twelve months – if so what are they?

Thanks Poodle – I know that there are more questions here than you have players but I also know with you and Disney running the show the Third Test is in the bag.

PS: Is there a shortage of razor blades in India? I noted that you appeared on my television the other night somewhat unshaven. I thought there must be a very good reason for this because I am sure that the incedible High Performance Manager and chemist Pat Howard would not like the captain looking like someone who disrespects the team and its culture.