The Yobbies – a winning national disgrace

What a horrible bunch of brattish self-centred turd-like creatures the Yobbies are.

Of whom do I speak?  Guess – it’s your team if you want them.  It’s not mine.

I have not followed the Australian cricket team with any enthusiasm since Poodle was shirted by the Kat and stormed out of the SCG dressing room into the arms of the Bungler.  I declare that I backed the Kiwis with my hard-earned all the way in this World Cup as I was charmed by their attitude to the game and general behaviour.

However reading Greg Baum’s incitefull incision into the national team’s heart this morning has only reinforced my deepening dislike for this disgraceful bunch of VB swigging swine. Baum wrote:

“In a corner of the glowing image of Australia’s World Cup triumph is a blot that no amount of rubbing ever will remove. It is the disposition of the Australians at the dismissals of three New Zealanders during a largely one-sided final. Brad Haddin mocked Martin Guptill by clapping his gloves in Guptill’s face after he was bowled by Glenn Maxwell, while Grant Elliott and Daniel Vettori were sent on their respective ways with volleys of words.”

The nastiness of Brad ‘Magnon’ Haddin’s ‘gloving’ of Guptill deserves special mention. This act of childish spite should have brought a ringing condemnation from the press if we had people in the profession who could for once not take the jingo line every time they ‘write’ with their patriot flecked pens.  Baum is the exception to this trend.  Even the normally balanced Andrew Webster displayed his past Daily Dread credentials in the SMH today with an extremely piss poor load of bloated bilge.

Magnon’s reported Monday morning shallow rant on Triple Mediocrity post piss-up with his descriptors of team drunkenness shows what a knob-brow this gum sucking glover has become. Magnon believed that anything that was done out there “wasn’t below the belt.” He went on to say that the “Kiwis were so nice they deserved sledging”.

The Yobbies simply do not understand the fundamentals of good, fair behaviour within the context of competitive sport.  The continued snide, sickening sledging that is explained away as “part and parcel of the game” is not that. It is simply an unimaginative expression of weakness not strength.  The quiet, statesman like McCullum and the considerate actions of his team are everything the Yobbies cannot imagine.  Kiwi Grant Elliot’s consolation of Steyn at the end of the semi-final and the shaking of Poodle’s hand by four Kiwis after his dismissal in his last one-day innings shows the mettle of this fine team.

What do I hope for the future.  Very little is possible.  You cannot educate mugs particularly when they believe they have the keys to the hate locker. You cannot change an ingrained culture of a winning team when administrators and the majority of the press tug their forelock to this graceless bunch.  And so we are left with a bitter taste and an apt description of this mob crafted over a hundred years ago. In his ‘Man from Ironbark’, Banjo Patterson described perfectly your national team,

“Their eyes were dull, their heads were flat, they had no brains at all…”



Umpire can I have a review of that decision?

I’m standing here in the middle of the night with a kerosene lamp showing a shadowy light on the outskirts of Chandigarh. I’m trying to hit a golf ball up against a tank with a stump waiting for the call that I know will never come. It’s a call from Poodle Clarke assuring me that nothing is wrong in camp. It’s a call that says we acted fairly. We had our backs against the wall. These guys are really bad characters who knock on doors at night and run away to snort Stilnox. We are better off without these guys. Trust me.

But I can’t. There are things swirling around my head. These are questions that remain unanswered. So Dear Poodle if you have time between marking essays with Disney Arthur can you just answer these few simple questions.

1. Was there a team bus trip recently in Mohali that you weren’t on?

2. While the rest of the team were on that trip were you off sightseeing at the Taj Mahal you lucky bugger? I ask this because I thought it was almost traditional for touring teams to have a team photo taken at the Taj.

3. Have there been other players on this trip who have not done the required work but have escaped punishment?

4. Was there a clear, unequivocal deadline that all players were aware of for the handing in of their “plans”?

5. Do you think that Mickey Arthur is worth $400K a year?

6. If in fact there has been issues from the beginning of this tour why weren’t they dealt with at an earlier time?

7. Do you believe that Usman Khawaja fits in with the defined team “culture”?

8. Has any current squad player been told that they do not fit into the team “culture”?

9. How would you define the Australian Cricket Team “culture”?

10. Do you as captain believe that captains should never show favouritism to players?

11. Do you think loyalty should be rewarded?

12. Have there been any reportable incidents with players within the Australian squad recently that have not been dealt with properly – that is swept under the covers?

13. Do you think you have made any errors of judgement in terms of your captaincy over the last twelve months – if so what are they?

Thanks Poodle – I know that there are more questions here than you have players but I also know with you and Disney running the show the Third Test is in the bag.

PS: Is there a shortage of razor blades in India? I noted that you appeared on my television the other night somewhat unshaven. I thought there must be a very good reason for this because I am sure that the incedible High Performance Manager and chemist Pat Howard would not like the captain looking like someone who disrespects the team and its culture.

Poodle prefers Packer to “pal” and ends up in the Pound

Despite Michael Clarke‘s (alias “Poodle”) recent success at the crease there is still something about him that just doesn’t sit right with some crusty cricket fans.  These recalcitrant fans are probably your more traditional types who can remember when beer was served in glasses at the SCG and players didn’t trot onto the hallowed turf with “She will rock you” blaring.  These fans also probably believe that T20 is chewing gum for errant red cordial-fuelled numbskulls.

Despite Clarke’s apparent media makeover and his often considered post-match commentary there appears to be a darker side.  Now part of the selection panel, players are obviously careful not to antagonise Poodle lest they end up in the pound.

Rumours abound over the alleged treatment by Michael Clarke of Mike Hussey‘s during “Mr Cricket’s” final days in the Australian camp.  Hussey apparently believed, rightly or wrongly, that he was in line to play a couple of the one day matches post his final test match due to being one of the “best available” players.  He didn’t.

There are rumoured reports that Clarke the peacemaker broached the rather strange concept with Mr Cricket of him doing a “lap of honour” before the ODI in Perth.  Apparently this incredibly creative suggestion was greeted with great derision from Hussey who also gave Poodle some instructions of how the concept should be self-stored.

Now Clarkie, not one to bare grudges asked Hussey on the day before the Test ended how he wanted to celebrate once the match was over.  Hussey replied, possibly channelling David Boone,that he simply wanted to pour endless golden throat-charmers down his gullet in the Australian dressing room, accompanied by his team mates and support staff.

Now from here on it gets a bit hazy but rumour suggests the following may have happened.  So I’ll pose the following questions:

Did Michael Clarke or others then organise a function on Jamie Packer’s tinnie on the evening of the last day’s play?

Did someone, when they found out that a lot of the players were going to channel Boonie with Mr Cricket, make the Packer tinnie trip an official Cricket Australia function thereby “forcing” players to attend?

I understand that a couple of players stayed with Mike Hussey (possibly Siddle and Lyon) in the shed as well as friends and support staff.

There are also unsubstantiated rumours of abusive phone calls to Hussey the next morning but I don’t think anyone would do that to a national icon like Mr Cricket because if that ever appeared in any tawdry sports tome that would tarnish the ethos of Australian cricket.

I stress these are only rumours however if we look back at the fallout over the Katich/Clarke incident there is a pattern of behaviour that is emerging.  It seems that Michael Clarke is coping at the crease but as a captain he is displaying all the churlishness of a child who is all too easily attracted to “bright shiny things”.