If it is not enough to outrage the lovers of Test cricket that a gangly piece of dog turd (that also goes by Ollie “Follie” Robinson) is an uninspiring cricketer, then his unimaginative, crude sledging also adds cream to the already overindulged flaccid cake that is the Dullards – the English Test Team. The ‘inventors’ of Bastard Ball.

In 2014, Robinson was released by Yorkshire for “unprofessional actions”.  Robinson has a history of poor behaviour.  in 2021 as he prepared to make his Test debut for the Dullards, racist texts that he had posted as an 18 year old came to light.  In one text, he said, “My new Muslim friend is the bomb”. In another, he said: “I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦) #racist”. One can imagine the young Follie writing poetry on toilet walls of the Kings School, Canterbury where I’m sure they likened him to a young Geoffrey Chaucer.

In a statement put out at the time by the England and Wales Cricket Board, ‘he’ said: “On the biggest day of my career so far, I am embarrassed by the racist and sexist tweets that I posted over eight years ago, which have today become public. I want to make it clear that I’m not racist and I’m not sexist. “Over the past few years, I have worked hard to turn my life around. I have considerably matured as an adult.”

Really? So, his targeting of one cricketer, Ushman Khawaja, the only Australian player with sub-continent origins, with such an oafish and undeserved send-off was a random act of unkindness. I think not. I think Robinson and his unrepentant tattooed fool of a captain Stokes are both objectionable pieces. Where was Stokes in all this? All this tatted buffoon would defend post-match was his dumb decision to declare early on Day One, while the Rooter was still getting runs. Poor Rooter. The fall-guy. The nice guy. Joe Rooter, who graciously patted the sledged Khawaja on the back after Follie gave his ‘mature’ send-off all the while as the other Dullards raced around the dog-track high fiving and giggling like hens on sugared corn.

Choker Stokes has form too. You don’t have that many tatts if you are into ikebana and macrame.  You get them if you are a warrior born in Glasgow or Brixton….erhhh no sorry Christchurch…New Zealand.   Jesus he’s not even a home grown thug.  However he was schooled in the UK at the Cockermouth School in Cumbria. I reckon that will not surprise many of you cricket buffs that a cock head like Stokes was incubated in such a school.   In August 2018 he was acquitted of affray and rightly so as his lawyers said that like the chicken, he had crossed the road to stop the verbal abuse of two gay men. Stokes was arrested in the early hours of 25 September 2017 after a night out with England teammates to celebrate victory over the West Indies in an international match earlier in the day.

He had been identified by an off-duty police officer as the “main aggressor” in a fight which left the firefighter and former nightclub bouncer Ali with a broken eye socket and blood pouring from his face. Another of the Dullard’s team Alex Hales, can be seen on CCTV kicking the Afghanistan veteran Ryan Hale in the head while he lay on the floor injured. See these are the skills you need when you are playing an aggressive form of cricket. No room for the fair or faint hearted me hearties.

Choker had denied being drunk during this interlude, but told the jury he had had “three to four beers, six vodka and lemonades” and “a few Jägerbombs”.  Of course he wasn’t drunk my lord, our ginger lord was just highly excited.

The other new kid of the block for England is the moon-faced, milk sop kid, Harry Brook. The Giggler Brook runs around like a small puppy that’s just pissed itself due to excitement and apparently when England U/19 captain he was dropped for something similar. Not pissing himself apparently but a minor violation of team rules. We can only wonder. But Giggler has form too…I could go on to some of the others in the Dullards including the Bear, The Bean and Sausage but you get the picture. There is an underlying sense of menace and misbehaviour amongst this motley crew. They are not the future of cricket they are the one-day wonders that will eventually fade again like pink patterned curtains under the scrutiny of southern sun.

Of course under the past stewardship of Ponting and Clark and the directorship of the under-skilled Darren Lehmann Australian teams became sloppy, mouthy and bent the rules often. However the current partnership of Cummins and McDonald changed the tone to one of competitive yet respectful play. Against a backdrop of the loud, stupid gingers and the sulky Bean and the frankly stupid Brook the Australians look almost statesmanlike, something that would have been deemed impossible a few seasons back. But here we are watching two games within one. The English playing loud, loin-wrangling rock and roll cricket in their leopard skin pads while the Australians play the pure symphony in classical white form. Only one will prevail and so far the flutes and strings have silenced the one hit wonders … for now.

However there is no denying that the Dullards are in a purple patch having won most of their recent test matches with around an astonishing 4.17 runs per over.  After a remarkable win in the opening Test match against Pakistan in Rawalpindi the English apologist and part-time doggerel grower, Pig-Ears Morgan called it the “greatest win in Test history”. So who are we to knock these new Pommie kids at the crease? These joyous flanneled souls who are breathing life into the dying art of Test cricket. They should be lauded and applauded. No. Not really. Not these pretenders. These worms spawned from the sallow flesh of one-day cricket. Not these imperfect forms, flash rendered by the creators of the cricket chewing gum form known as T-20. They are rats with gold teeth who care little of tradition. They are pirates and parasites with the attention spans of gnats. They are horrible. And every test cricket loving man, woman and child should loathe them.

You see great test cricket has its origin in art, grace and pure form. Of time over time. Of patience. It is anti the modern form of life. It stands still, quite, unmoved. Ushman Khawaja, in an interview, after the Australians won in the first test, talked about patience being a big part of his Muslim faith and how patience in this test paved the way for victory. Interestingly he praised Stokes Headingley innings. Unlike the Dullards who can only shine light into their dark crevices the newly invented Australian team have unwittingly become the champions of fair play and the cherished long form of the game…test cricket.