English cricket is still “racist, sexist and elitist” and Bastard-Ball is symptomatic of a rotten and forgotten nation that was once England.

It took just 317 pages of a just released report to say what we all know. English cricket suffers from “widespread and deep-rooted racism, sexism, elitism and class-based discrimination at all levels of the game and urgently needs reform.”

The Independent Commission for Equity in Cricket which drew on evidence from more than 4,000 players, coaches, administrators and fans, also urges the sport to also face up to the fact “that it’s not banter or just a few bad apples” causing the problems.

The duplicity of the alleged cricket and societal standards and rules were on clear display during the second Test at Lords where Australia once again flogged the sallow, shallow Poms. In England’s second innings the Midget (also known as Pluckker, Dwarfie, Tiny, Half-Pint, Small Change) was caught by Starc on the boundary. Midge was given out only to have it reversed by the Third Umpire. Of course the flanneled fools of the MCC immediately issued a press release stating that Starc did not have “complete control of his movement”. Mitch was obviously as loose as Laxette-loving whirling dervish in his movement and they felt compelled to correct the colonial complainers who stated that Starc had held the catch. But we move on as this is after all not a one-act play.

At Lords Cricket Ground you only have to have a casual glance at the allegedly esteemed members of the MCC (The Marylebone Cricket Club) to see what is wrong with both English cricket and England. Old, white, busted, dishevelled entitled English males leering from above with not a woman or person of colour around. Some haven’t bothered to shave or are so stupid they have forgotten where their heads are. They wear various incarnations of their uniform of red and yellow (“Oh Chum it’s bacon and eggs”) as a badge of pride.

Rumpled blazers, trousers failing to meet their socks, with red and yellow ties covering gravy stains and dribbles. They have recently admitted women to their membership begrudgingly and have as their chairman, the famously fruity and quite lovely Stephen Fry. But they are still by large a ragged and stupid bunch of ‘haves’.

It took the Bear’s dismissal for these pathetic, bun-starved loons on loan from the19th Century to show their true colours. It was a case of ‘”Please Sir, It’s not fair Reggie has goosed me”.

Here we have those with limited memory forgetting that the Bear, the minor ginger-lord, himself attempted “to dismiss the striker in the same fashion in the same game.”* The difference was the Bear wasn’t accurate enough. Once gain the Third Umpire ruled that the dismissal of the Bear was correct – as per the rules of the game. The dumb-play antics of the Bean (Broad) post the stumping were hilarious. Bean kept on asking permission of the Australian players to leave his crease even after the umpire had called ‘over’ and was appropriately ignored. One can perhaps forgive the sullen Bean as he’d been hit in the head continuously by the Australian bowlers. And of course the MCC issued a press release? No it was left to the ICC to issue a clarification of the Bear’s stumping;

The decision was well within the rules as clarified by the International Cricket Council (ICCAccording to law 20.1.2 of the MCC’s Laws of Cricket, “the ball shall be considered to be dead when it is clear to the bowler’s end umpire that the fielding side and both batters at the wicket have ceased to regard it as in play”.

The only press release the MCC old dribblers could cobble together on this occasion, after a day on the ruby port was an apology for the abuse that the Australian players were subjected to by the ragged, pissed member mob. You have to remember that Bacon & Egg Brigade can bring into Lords…a bottle of vino or shampoo plus a litre of beer. It is obvious that the B&E’s cannot hold their grog and that their team cannot play cricket. Of course cricketing apologist, former captain, Andrew Strauss blamed the behaviour on the fifth day crowd being “less exclusive” than the previous four days. What Strauss is forgetting is that these ‘chewed-up charlies’ were members – these were the special people who were in a very upper-class kind of way, shoulder charging and jostling the Australian players.

In a masterclass of understatement a spokesperson for the MCC said: “The Long Room is unique in world cricket and the great privilege of players passing through the pavilion is very special. After this morning’s play, emotions were running high, and words were unfortunately exchanged with some of the Australian team, by a small number of members. We have unreservedly apologised to the Australian team and will deal with any member who has not maintained the standard we expect through our disciplinary processes.”

A small number? Not only are they unwilling to state the bleeding obvious they cannot count. A small number of members. Really? What I saw was every red and yellow loon in the room of doom baying for blood. One leering loon dropped his shoulder into an Australian player. I was profoundly disappointed in the Australian Team. Why? Well it was time to put on the gloves. It was time to grab a few of these bloated mummy-boy toads and belt the ruby red out of them. A stink was not only required it would have been justified by the laws of cricket that cover ‘the intimidation of a player or players’.

But in the end there is really only one thing to say;

“Two-nil you sad old, faded, rumpled loons!”

*from Daniel Bretting: SMH 3 July 2023