A close examination of the performances of both David ‘Swotter’ Warner and Scott ‘Well Blow Me’ Morrison show some similarities and some jarring differences.

Firstly Swotter loves a challenge while Blow Me runs from them and hides like a soft toy. But our little mate Swotter runs head long at it…smiling through gritted teeth, the little bugger does not back down. That’s why we like him but at the same time he annoys us with his constant fiddling outside off-stump. His once great strength is now his achilles heel.

‘Well Blow Me’, you may remember, when he finally and reluctantly returned from the Honolulu Bush Fire Control Centre (thanks Vince), told the bush-fire ravaged communities he didn’t hold a hose. He probably wished he did have one of those hoses years earlier when he soiled himself at the Engadine Maccas. Well to be fair …a Chilli Whopper can do that to a flaccid, soft sort of bloke who is used to the Truffle Deluxe from Bettys’ Burgers in White Town (Cronulla).

However recent performances show that both Warner and Morrison are on a downhill slide. The major difference is that Warner for most of his career has been a great cricketer while Morrison wasn’t good at anything except lying and avoiding the truth for all of his sad, pathetic bloated life. Morrison is nothing more than a part-time turd polisher.

With a decreasing average of just 25 runs over fifteen Ashes Tests in England one would think that Swotter Warner can no longer hold onto his position as an opening batsman. The poor little bugger is a tad delusional if he actually thinks he still has the credentials of an opener.

In his 57 innings against England both here and in the EDCOB (Extremely Dull Country of Bastards) Swotter faced on average just 58 balls per innings. But in the land of EDCOB he faces on average a paltry 39 balls. That takes about as long as you take to grab a couple of slices of Tip Top White Loaf, butter it…take the Devon out of the fridge…put a bit of tomato sauce on it, close the sandwich and gob it. Not long. Unfortunately as much as we all like a swashbuckling opener and I do like this pugnacious, bull-dog shaped, little bugger a lot. These days he’s less swash and more buckles. If we examine Usman Khawaja’s record it is an average of 89 balls faced per innings against the EDCOB and 70 balls in the Dull Country.

You see the real job of an opener is to occupy the crease until the new ball has stopped swinging and has gone soft – in shorthand this is when the opposition’s best bowlers are as rooted and desperate as a bloke turtling in the Engadine Maccas.

At 36 Warner’s reaction time is fading. I’m not sure if he gets on the piss but at the crease he now swings a lot like a drunk bloke trying to swat a blowie. I know that in their Maroubra mansion David and Candice Warner have an “epic bar” with beer on tap. Maybe he has taken on tour a keg of that beer he brews with the Furry Freedmans and Tommy Berry down on the Mornington Peninsular – whatever he’s on its not working.

For those of you who can remember a time when Keith Raymond Stackpole opened for Australia in the 1970s, you can see how Warner got to be where he is now . Originally a pugnacious middle order batsman, Stacky was pushed up the order to partner the old brick wall, Bill Lawry. Stacky had a great average in the Dull Country of 53, because he bridled his aggressive middle order habits. Swotter has never been a natural opener nor can he show the necessary patience that an opening batsman must have. He started as an aggressive one-day wonder and was tried as an opener with some success against average sides. Nor should he be expected to be an opener at the end of his career.

It has been said many times that it is harder to get out of the Australian Test side than get into it. Swotter’s continual selection as an opener shows a complete lack of courage and imagination from the selectors. The only reason he is still there is that no gimlet-eyed bastard has dared to step-up and have a decent go. And that’s not his fault. However they took Renshaw over there as a fill-in opener, apparently he has played some county cricket, so why isn’t he in the frame? Renshaw does know English conditions. He has scored five county centuries in fourteen matches for Somerset and has made runs against the Dukes ball both in England, at home, and recently during Australia A’s tour of New Zealand.

The apologist ex-cricketers and Australian commentators, Ratty Ponting and Air Con Taylor have no idea. Air Con reckons Warner stays because he can catch a ball in slips and Ratty reckons a “big one is just around the corner”. What exactly the big one looks like I’m not sure as I think Ratty doesn’t know either probably because he’s been on the sly fiddle since birth.

It’s not that bloody hard. Do a bit of free-style you bunch of dud, useless, stupid selectors …here’s the plan…it is so obvious it makes me wonder if you fools can tie your laces.

THE PLAN TO BEAT THE DULL COUNTRY BASTARDS

We open with the Ushy and Uncertain Show, then have the Mad Men, Scratch* and Sniff* in next, push Swotter down the order just after Sniff…but give Swotter a box of jubes and a comic to keep him calm, have Bottoms* come in next then Boggy* (leave out Gang* he is far too nice), of course Sneaks on the gloves, bring in Nuts* (leave out the Irishman* if the wickets dead and let Bottoms bowl the spin) drop Roland* and of course keep Nudey* and Enjoyment*

So there it is – a team and a bloody plan. With a team like that no one can stop us…not the Choker, the Bear, the Dwarf, the Bean or the Giggling Fool…we will be unbeatable.

And of course at this time as we contemplate our differences and change we have a tale of two ‘players’. We have one player at the cross-roads of an exceptional cricket career and another player at the cross-roads of a tepid political career mired in controversy, deception and dislike. They are not the same. Blow Me Morrison has riddled the Australian landscape with lies, false promises and pain inflicted upon the most vulnerable via Robodebt and other unctuous schemes of betrayal. He has to go now, hopefully to jail, never to be seen or selected again.

Swotter Warner on the other hand, over many years has provided us, the Australian people with a whole hearted passionate performance, sometimes flawed, mostly exciting and occasionally sublime – and don’t we all love a bloke that has a red hot crack?

The Australian Team for the Fourth Test at Old Trafford

Usman Khawaga (Ushy)

Matt Renshaw (Uncertain)

Marcus Labuschagne (Scratch/Madman 2)

Steve Smith (Sniff/Madman 1) (VC)

David Warner (Swotter)

Mitchell Marsh (Boggy/ son of Swampy)

Travis Head (Bottoms)

Alex Carey (Sneaks)

Mitchell Starc (Nudey)

Pat Cummins (Enjoyment) (C)

Josh Hazelwood (Nuts)

Reserves:

Cameron Green (Gang)

Todd Murphy (The Irishman)

Scott Boland (Roland)